A shadowed moment

The first two weeks after I quit my high demand, low-paying job, I felt liberated. It felt great not answering to anyone or sitting behind a desk second guessing my correct decision to do something. I can be me and be fine. I will find a great job. This time I will take my time and search carefully.

Truth is, most of the time I just turned on Netflix or Hulu and wasted my days away. Every day that dragged by, my confidence in finding a job dwindled until I was sitting in the dark with my nightmares clung to my shoulders, my failures, and insecurities rode my reality. I welcomed the nights when I rested my head on my pillow letting oblivion filled my mind, giving rest to the tormenting demons in my head. When morning rose I begged for more sleep, but alas the torturous demons demanded my full consciousness by 10 AM. I sat on my bed, eating a plate of rice and eggs, not knowing why tears fell from my face like cascades. I tried holding them in unsuccessfully.

I was sinking and sinking fast into the abyss of gloomy despair — Lord, where are you? I need you. I knew I needed to just work out my body, get it pumping or get out of my apartment, but the thought terrified me. Still, it was the antidote to my dark mood. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will definitely stretch and workout in my living room even if I could not work up the courage to run with the sunshine outside. When tomorrow came, sleep whispered sweet temptation into my ear and held me in bed and the dishes had to be washed and one more episode of that dreadful drama was too good to miss. God, do you not hear my prayers?!

I promised myself I would definitely go out of the house in the morning and run. I promised. And I beat myself up in the morning to get up and run, but my body went into a coma until late afternoon.

I swear there were good days when my body moves and I could laugh. I swear. God, are you even there? Are you real? 

I knew the only thing holding me back was the dark liquid plastic of darkness I nursed into being to cover my inner soul when there were no responses from my job applications. I was weak with fear but knew I could do amazing things if only I could get out of this dark sticky pit. Lord, why me? What was I so afraid of? What’s the worse that can possibly happen to me if I stepped out of the house? Why have you abandoned me? People staring at me? So what? They won’t ever see me again. Job interviews? So what if I butchered one? I’ll probably never see the interviewer ever again and no one will ever know I butchered it. So what am I so afraid of? Please, Lord, I will do anything!

Ok. Today. I was going out today. Today was my good day, I would make it good. Done with my job applications. Done with eating. Done with my episode of Law and Order: SVU.

In a light sweater, tennis shoes, and a cap I stepped out of my apartment, the sun beating down on me, I made my way to the park across the street.

Think happy thoughts only. Refuse any negativity.

Light steps and open eyes I looked at the green grass and the fall leaves. I walked to a bench, sat down and simply enjoyed the open field of grass climbing up hills and outlined with trees. It felt like spring in early California December. Usually, I am too occupied to listen to the world around me, but today I heard the peaceful silence of birds chirping, cars running, children screaming once in awhile, and the rustling of the leaves as soft breeze flirted with them. How did I not take the time to enjoy what beauty God created for moments like these? Moments of sadness and darkness?

In the worst time of my life, I turned against God and did not see what He already placed in my life. A boyfriend for my loneliness and a shoulder to lean on, a place for peace, a great friend to listen to my concerns, and a long history of hard work and successfully climbing forgotten mountains. He gave me everything I needed to get through this trying season and I’ve utilized none but blamed Him for my misfortunes.

Now I see it clearly, the beauty of this world He orchestra to sing just the right symphony for my days of feeling like there’s nothing but endless nothing days.

Baking in the sun as I laid on the bench I felt the stress slipped off my body and trickled to the ground; the voices of many in my head faded to a muted silence of agony before disappearing into white puffy clouds; the stiffness of my too stirred up body melted and leaked out onto the pavement through my fingertips. Alas… Lord, you were by me when I didn’t see, hear, or follow you.

After a few more minutes of soaking in the peaceful vibe, I left the park with a new found energy and motivation for the day and for the many tomorrows to come.

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